Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
