I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
