What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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