i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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