New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
