Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Church boner. Awkwardddd
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
