i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
