I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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