so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
