I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
