You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
