Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
