Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
