Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
