i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
