How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize
