I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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