You're my little dorito
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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