yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
