Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
