I met the friendliest cop last night
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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