nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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