Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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