Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
