i was rollin on her like bob the builder
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
