Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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