i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We had sex on a dog bed..
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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