Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
