Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
