Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Randomize
