May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
