Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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