How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
