how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
