Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
