Ambien. No doubt about it.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
