Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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