bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Everclear isn't food dammit
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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