woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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