Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
sex in a hospital.. check
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
