I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
