Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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