Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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