we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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