I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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