One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
