she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
