On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
