Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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