Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think my moral compass just broke
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
