you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
