Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
